Did you say brain bleach?

Brain bleach for me please... Okay joke aside I guess and hope that whatever we go through in life has a purpose. The least it should help us learn more about ourselves and help us avoid the same mistakes in the future. Whatever has caused us pain will never disappear and unfortunately there is no brain bleach which will erase it from our memories it will be like the scar...the one that doesn't hurt anymore but you can feel it once you touch it. I am currently going through a process of healing and recovering after a break up with my ex fiancee. Life after the break up has been quite intense and full with ups and downs. Few things I have realized are that there is nothing sure in life...even if your partner is the love of your life it may come to a point in which due to different circumstances you are left on your own. Bottom line I should always count on myself and myself only. If you are willing to get on the train with me, you are welcome but nevertheless, I should always keep in mind that I am on my own and even though we are two now, I can be forced to be on my own again in any given moment. The other thing I realized is that I need to be less blind. I should look realistically at things and not the way I want them to be. Otherwise it might turn out that I live a lie. I think whenever something feels right things tend to go smooth. If there is too much pushing from one of the sides I think it is a sign to pick your stuff and run. I was always afraid of the moment when all the feelings are gone. What do you do then? It is not that bad I have seen ...the habit keeps you going. Unfortunately then instead of being in a relationship and feeling good about it you feel you are in a trap. It is also very hard to take a decision because we have all heard that you realize what you got once you loose it. To a certain extend it might be true but on the other hand our brain tends to play games on us. I have caught myself thinking about the good moments we have had but on the other hand the last few months were nothing like that. I think every separation is painful because we have to fight the habit and adapt to our changed life but it can be also something that sets us free and gives us the opportunity to pursue our dreams and goals. Sometimes the relationship wasn't even perfect and it is nothing we should really miss but the habit...the habit of having someone ... that's the harder part. I think that what honorable people make is to keep things fair. Love doesn't last forever but cheating can't be the answer too. We cheat because we look for something that we can't find in our relationship. We need to be open about what we feel and share it with our partner. Even though I wasn't cheated on I feel a bit betrayed because it turned out that I was living a lie and it was expected of me to read minds...maybe it was a way to make me get the message and take action. I was stupid and convinced that I had made my choice and was satisfied with it. I should have seen it coming but I didn't. I wonder if it would be better if it would happen cold turkey but really do relationships in which all is perfect just fall apart like that? I am not so sure. I would think that all relationships which end were having some turbulent time before the end. Anyways...whatever it is there is no secret or rules to follow but sometimes we should listen to our 6th sense which is whispering things in our ear and not think oh fuck I made him move for me how can I tell him it is over and so on. I do agree now that it sucks to be the one who is left but I have my principles and I believe in them. I just hope time won't make me change too much. It has been two months since the breakup and few days ago I was feeling really sad. I thought each day would only make it better and maybe in the long run it does make it better I just need to bite through and then touch the scar and feel it is there but it doesn't hurt anymore. Looking and thinking of a brighter future with a passenger to join me on my train ride:) Keep smiling and keep believing in yourself!